Accept what God allows

“Today is a new day! Yesterday is gone never to return again.”

Sounds great right! So, what do you do with the messes, breakups, wrong turns and shoulda woulda couldas? You leave them behind and live for what is now. You say a prayer and push forward for better. For all that is right in the world, you absolutely must accept that it happened. You just can’t let it hold you prisoner. Break free, loose, and fast!

The ugly truth is you may never know why in this life, and as hard as it is, that something happened. You must accept that. Accepting that sometimes there are no immediate answers will bless you in ways I can’t describe. In other words, accept what God allows.That doesn’t make God mean or unloving. (Oh! He loves you and has a plan) Yet, sometimes crap happens. Crap that we brought on ourselves, didn’t pay attention to, or that came our way unrequested. Either way, it was allowed for a reason and a season. Aren’t you glad it wasn’t forever!? Whew!

Listen, I don’t have all the answers, but what I do know is on the other side of the pain lies a whole new purpose. You’ve just got to make it through this.  For instance, I had some rocky years as a young single mom. No one knew it, but I cried almost every night. At the time, I still loved their dad (praise God for deliverance and learning what love is), and I had to deal with him, his women, and raise my babies. Talk about having it tough! But God kept me, helped me heal from the hurt, and now all that pain is tied to my purpose. I want to help you heal. Please know there is life left for you. And, it is glorious. So, accept what has been, let go, and lets move toward better. Amen? Amen.

It’s not easy, but the happy, healthy, and healed you is waiting. Come on! Let her out! She’s beautiful, brave, and bold!

Do It Anyway!

Only Diamonds Find Diamonds

You can check this out, but a very long time ago, I heard diamonds are harvested from the earth by drills that have diamonds on their tips. Now, what you and I should get from that is “Diamonds can only be brought out by other diamonds”. In other words they are so tough that it takes one to know one. Don’t give up on love. Your diamond is coming.

If dating has sent you some bad apples, don’t lose hope. If you thought you had found the one, but the fairytale has ened, do not despair. It takes a diamond to find a diamond. You just continue to be love and light. One day, love will knock again. 

You see, it is in the self-ownership of love and the expectation of it that you inspire a diamond to drill deep enough to find you. So, go on and live! Go on and love! Do not stop shining because life threw you a few cubic zirconias. Their loss. Your kindred diamond’s gain.

I believe love is a choice. Choose to love one more time. Heal if you must, but keep loving.

“But he/she hurt me”, you say. I know. 

Do It Anyway!

P.S. Come chat with me tonight on my #destinydating #twitterchat It’ll bless you and me! Every Wed at 9 PM CST

Learning to trust God in the wait.

Seasons of waiting are common to us all. But, how do you make it through? How do you trust God in the wait? Life is up. Life is down. Life is smooth. You know He has given you signs to move toward purpose, things are good and moving in the right direction, and then it all seemingly stops. What!? Or, does it? I’m here to tell you that God is still there. When He seems quiet, trust Him. A few things are happening in the quiet. Read on:

1) He is testing your faith. 

This may seem cruel to you. But, the test is not for Him. It is for you. You need to know that your faith is at least the size of a mustard seed and that You believe God is Who He says He is. Only you can go through this “test”. No one can tell you how long it will last, but I urge you to simply tell Him every day- I surrender.

2) He is preparing the way.

Yes, God is all powerful, but He is also a God of order. I know this because the Bible says so. See Isaiah 44:24. But, He does not just move people and circumstances around in the blink of an eye to appease us. No. He takes time. People need to be affected. I can’t explain it, but in my own life as I look back on some  things, I see how God had a hand in the wait. I also see how the wait was for my good. Oh, to have received what I wanted then! What a dire mistake it would have been. So, trust that He is preparing the way and you for what’s next. 

3) He is preparing you.

Yes, you. I know you think you’re ready, but there may be something else you’ll need for the next level and in this waiting period or season of life that is what you should be doing? Preparing. Keep trusting God. Talk to Him. You will know by and by as my grandpa used to say. Just keep growing. And keep praying. 

I don’t know the secrets of the universe or what is going on with you. But, I encourage you in your wait to draw closer to God. He will draw close to you. You’ll soon forget about wanting it to be over and you’ll just go through it in peace. Trusting The Zone who knows it all. Selah.

In the end, it’s okay. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end. Hold on. Keep pushing toward purpose. It will all become clear by and by.

Kaydy

Keep Moving

Sometimes life hits you from the side and you fall. You didn’t see that job ending, the relationship disintegrating , or your friends walking away. It hurts when we lose the ones we love. Maybe they didn’t leave. Maybe it’s just strained. To all these I say “keep moving”.

One thing life has taught me is that if I hit the ugly stuff head on, it won’t last as long as dragging it out by procrastinating or wishing it away. You’ve got to push through these ugly stages as full of grace and tact as you can muster, with tears in your eyes, and exhausted. Find the strength to push through. Keep moving. Treat them well, speak your peace, and move on.

You are only responsible for you and can only change you. Interesting isn’t it? We as humans try to change others. Won’t work. Been there. Done that. Can’t love them enough, spoil them enough, put them first enough, etc. Crap will happen. People will leave. You know what? Take heart because you only want what stays. You want to love the ones who will stay and work it through, who support you, and will move through life with you. That’s how you know who belongs in your tribe.

So, what is it you need to move on from today? Only you know what it is. I’ve had to let friendships go and relationships go and in life I’ve moved careers. Hey, it wasn’t easy, but it was best. I’m not saying make any rash decisions, but you must evaluate where you are and what you’re doing. If it’s not the right fit and you’ve done all you can- MOVE.

Life’s not easy. Decisions are hard. Being a grown up is tough.

Do It Anyway!

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m ecstatic to be single.

This may or may not relate to you, but I am thankful to not be in the wrong relationship. See, I was in one for three years and even though we celebrated Valentine’s Day, something was always “off”. Just wasn’t right. It wasn’t my forever live, but U tried to make it work. I am now, however, owning my new found freedom and choosing me over a relationship just for the sake of relationship. Now, it didn’t always feel that way, but the nice gifts and someone to do stuff with were motivation to keep trying to resuscitate a dead horse. Lol! Look, being single is not a punishment. It is life giving. Being married is a blessing for most and for some, it is sheer hell right now. What I’m saying is don’t skip one season to get to the next. All seasons have their ups and downs. Love on you right where you are. Enjoy your life right now . Travel , study new things, meet new people, make new friends , LIVE!!!

Having a boo, A bae, a man/woman is awesome when there is no drama or sorrow. Wait on your good thing. In the meantime, don’t let a commercial holiday make you feel small. Go on and live. Get the girls/guys together and go rollerblading, to a movie, shopping, have a cookout (if it’s cold where you are a dinner party), chat, play board games, etc. Just don’t pine away today eating chocolate and missing out on your life! Thinking right isn’t good enough. I know my mate better be somewhere living and enjoying his life. Why would I want a sourpuss for a mate? Get it?

You are amazing, and one day someone will see that. Until then, love on you and have the time of your life. Do t forget you have a purpose for being here and it’s not just to marry and have babies.

Being single is hard sometimes.

Do It Anyway!

Single Mom looking for Boaz

I did a guest post over at DearHubby.com For those looking for “The One” and who need encouragement in the wait, this site is beautifully done and run. Check it out!

And here’s the link to my guest post!

Enjoy!

Men, it’s okay to take a break and heal

As I’ve been delving into writing on relationships and cohosting a weekly #twitterchat called #destinydating, I have become more aware of how men and women are screwed up. Let me explain. Destiny dating is all about dating with marriage in mind and utilizing Biblical principals in the process. A big block to finding a good mate in the same place as you is the messages men and women carry with them from relationship to relationship. The negative self talk, the clichés, the pain of a failed relationship, or the dissolution without solution. And, so on. The point is we spend a great deal of time helping women heal because supposedly, we are more emotional and fragile. Well, I want it known that men need to take a break and heal as well when they experience breakups. Men need not partake of the usual two days and nights out with the boys, but a real period of not dating in order to reflect and process the good and the bad of that past relationship. As I look at my past relationships, I see hurt men who went on to hurt other women. Not to say every man was damaged, but a few needed detoxing and did not do so. They moved on to me, her, and her, etc. doing what “men do”. If we could have only reached those guys and said, “Heal up dude”, life would be better.

Now, I can’t see the future, but I bet a healed person could end a relationship as needed without inflicting unnecessary pain because they see that it is just not a good fit. However, if one has not healed or learned to deal with things not working out, they will resort to the same ways to medicate or hide the pain, i.e., jump into another relationship. Our boys and men need to be taught to explore their feelings and to heal in peace before adding another unsuspecting soul to the pot. That’s called baggage. Unless the bags get delivered, they just weigh you down.

What no one will tell you is that if you would do the work now to get to know the girl or woman you’re dating, you could avoid some of this pain. No one says that. Instead, they say. “Yeah man, I’d date her if I were you!” They never say, “She’s immature, selfish, out to use you, not looking to settle down, not wife material, etc.” No! They look at what you probably looked at- “the physical”. There is more to a person than their outside appearance. Get to know them. Get to know if you really are a good fit. And yes, you can do everything right and things can still fall apart. You’ve got to live and you’ve got to chase your dreams. Be prepared to forgive and release if it goes south. But, do the work!

So, it’s a short post, but one that I mean from the bottom of my heart. Isn’t it time you changed the pattern? Why not you? Yeah, you can do it. Tell your boys no and do you instead. No new girl. No night out. Just you, your thoughts, and the truth. What do you really want? Who are you? Be honest and live.

Scary isn’t it?

Do It Anyway!

4 Things to Consider When Dating a Single Parent

Today’s post is courtesy of La Donna Lewis.

4 Things to Consider When Dating a Single Parent

by La Donna L. Lewis

Dating can sometimes become complicated because I don’t always encounter men with the same stats as mine. I’m single, over the age of 35 and I don’t have any children. Once upon a time, I was pretty much opposed to dating men with children. I had that luxury way back when—when I was younger. Now, the older I get, there’s less of a chance for me to encounter men who don’t already have children.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have anything against children. In fact I absolutely love them and still look forward to raising children one day. However, I am a realist when it comes to the fact that dating a man who already has a child/children can make things a little more complicated.  These days, I’m a whole lot more open to the possibilities of getting involved with a man and the other people that may come as a package deal with him. I’ve grown, and I’ve had some experiences that taught me a lot.

Whether you’re dating a man or woman with children, here are some things I’ve learned over the years that can hopefully help you alleviate some of the possible complications of dating a single parent.

Determine Whether You Both Want the Same for the Future

She already has children and you don’t. She doesn’t want more children and you do. This should be a no-brainer but I’ve seen so many people enter into relationships like this and wonder why it fails. Some start dating and never even have the conversation, whereas others have had the talk and still continue even though they know they don’t have the same desires. Communicate and don’t expect to change another person now nor in the future. It’s a recipe for constant conflict and hurt feelings—yours and theirs.

Know Yourself and What You Can Handle

Do you like children? Are you selfish? Are you mature enough to accept children? These are all important questions you should know the answer to before getting involved with someone who has children. If you don’t like children or you’re selfish, then don’t even entertain the thought of dating someone who has children. Just because the children are not living with the parent full time, doesn’t mean the children don’t exist. They are ever present, and circumstances can always change.

I was in my late 20’s and met a guy who was really interested in dating me. When I found out his 3 children were in another state it slowed me in my tracks. It wasn’t just the number of children that played a factor. I was nervous because I couldn’t really get to know what kind of father he was since his children were in another state. He also had a contentious relationship with his ex-wife and it affected the interaction he had with his children. My biggest concern was falling in love with him and then having 3 instant stepchildren I had to consider and take part in raising. I decided not to date him. Fast-forward about 9 months, and the mother of those children unexpectedly passed away. I was glad I had not pursued the relationship because at that time, I knew I was not ready, nor mature enough for it.

Establish Relationship Potential Before Involving Children

One of the biggest difficulties of dating a single parent is the fact that there are more feelings involved other than just your own and the person whom you are dating. Children have feelings that can become much more attached and hurt more deeply when they become involved in the relationship. Know before you go there. Spend enough time with the person to determine if this is even a relationship that has potential before you go any further. Trust your instincts and cut it off if you feel it isn’t something you see as a possibility before bringing the children into the mix.

Decide TOGETHER How You Will Introduce Children Into the Relationship

I was communicating with a guy who had a 10-year-old daughter with whom he had joint custody. I met her early on and had no problem with that. I didn’t want to spend a lot of time with her though because I know how attached I become to children. So we decided to date for a bit and once we entered into a committed relationship we’d share that with his daughter. Well, one day while taking his daughter to school she asked if I was his girlfriend. Children are curious and they always have questions. It’s okay to answer them, and we should do so honestly. Unfortunately, he did not do so. He told her yes, I was his girlfriend. What!!?? As a result, I felt pressured to move into a relationship sooner than planned simply because I didn’t want him to have to go back and tell his daughter he lied. Needless to say, I was not happy about it because he disregarded my feelings and he set our relationship up for division early on. It should have been a flag to me that communication might be a problem. The relationship didn’t last. To this day, my biggest regret is the fact that once my romantic relationship with him ended I lost the relationship I developed with his daughter.

Everyone doesn’t have the same experience when it comes to relating to children. Parents also tend to have different thoughts concerning timing and methods. Some feel it is important for children to meet and get to know you from the start regardless of whether you’ll be around in the future. Others are very protective and don’t want you anywhere near their children until they know for sure what role you’ll be playing. All of it must be discussed and decided upon together, ahead of time. Once you communicate and have the conversation to determine how you will move forward, just be sure to stick to it!

As an experienced educator and counselor, La Donna is passionate about positive relationships of all kinds. She enjoys helping people by providing an objective perspective to highlight the stumbling blocks, obstacles and barriers that may be hindering successful relationships. La Donna is a  hopeFULL romantic with a beautifully creative mind and she is the creator of DearHubby.com

What about the kids when you break up?

Sadly, I am living this right now. About 5 months ago, I parted ways with a boyfriend of a few years. He had become a member of the family. On some level, I thought I’d marry him, but it turned out we were just not the right fit. It happens. I’m over it. My kids still mention him. I have noticed that my nonchalant way of mentioning that I ended things has not been so easy for them. I mean, they played COD with him, laughed at me with him, sided with him, etc. You know, immature boy stuff. And I find they miss him. But, I want no part of him, no mention of him, and don’t think about him. But my negative experience was not their experience. I have to accept snd redpect that.

In light of this, I sat down and had a real honest talk with them. I said “I know you guys like him, but he wasn’t a good fit for me. I tried 3 years and he couldn’t get it together. Don’t I deserve to be happy? Should the new guy in my life have to compete with an old boyfriend because you guys are still connected?” After that discussion, they saw things my way. True, they have no choice because I’m the grownup, but it is important to note their feelings and the level of discomfort it creates for me and potential mates. I also know they will have those fond memories because I allowed the ex in my life and theirs. My doing.

So, this post is to say kids do get attached to the people we date. But, we can’t stay mismatched and connected for the sake of our kids. They need to know sometimes stuff doesn’t work out. I had become so unhappy because he did not support my dreams. You all know how important chasing dreams is to me. Oh no! He had to go! 🙂

So, may the following lessons I learned bless you:

1. Watch the length of time you date

Sometimes, we just prolong relationships. You must learn to have the gift if good’bye. Everyone isn’t for you no matter how you try. Be willing to check the temperature of the relationship and make the hard move to move on as needed. Only you know the answer.

2. Make sure you both are on the same page

Faith is my most defining value. We have to share the same faith. Discipline and child rearing are important points if contention in relationships and we’re in ours. I’m not saying to run if uou and your boo disagree, but to watch out for non negotiables.

3. Do not remain in relationships that drain you

Draining, depressing, limiting… I can go on. No one should live like that. Let them go. Sign no 1 you are not with your Boaz.

4. Be quick to move on when you know you are not a good fit

I had clues that the fit was iff, but people in my ear combined with his smooth talking and better than the previous guy M.O. had me bound. I admit it. But, I have learned to watch the fruit if who they are not the image we want.
5. Be careful who you let your kids get attached to

Even I can stand to be reminded here. The ex had all the chivalry a woman could stand, all the right mives, and language but didn’t deliver one to one. Was neglectful of us, tried to be demeaning (notice tried. I don’t play that.), and just had signs of being a manipulative … But, he and my boys bonded, had a good time, and he cared for them and they liked him. BUT WE DID NOT FIT. So, now I know from that lesson to really make sure the fit is there first. I let him meet my boys within 2 months. I used to wait 6. There is no perfect timing but we must be cautious and realistic.

6. Keep conversation open with your kids
Of course, here, my language is child appropriate and not too detailed. But, I let them know I want God’s best for me and them. And if I make a move like that to end a relationship, I had good reason.

I, in no way, am trying to place the ex in a bad light. Truth is truth. We were and are not God’s best fit. I knew it. I had to let go. But, he was the first guy I actually introduced to my boys and let be around them for this length of time. He was better in some areas than any guy I had ever dated. That was blinding to the fact that we were not a good fit. It happens. When you see this in your relationships, don’t force it. Let go. We have too many examples of unhappily married folks to continue on with badly fit partners.

Life sucks. Relationships are hard. Single parenting and dating is hard. Breakups are hard.

Do It Anyway!

5 Reasons to be thankful for being alone.

As I sit to write this post, I’m reminded that some may think I’ve lost it. I assure you that I have not. Being alone can be tough especially if you parent alone and have to spend the holidays alone. But, I have come to realize over the years that being alone has been the best thing life could have given me (for a season). Let me tell you why, and hopefully, you will see some of your yourself in my experiences below.

1. I get to find out more of who I am.

I moved to Texas and did not date for 3 years. My boys were young and I wanted to focus on raising them. I also wanted to do well at my new job, and I needed space to grow and enjoy my new life. I got closer to God and wouldn’t change a thing about those years. I had no stress. It was a beautiful and much needed time. Truthfully, I was a young single mom and it wasn’t easy, but it was a time filled with peace and new beginnings. When you’ve gone through hell, peace is your most prized possession. So get alone and figure you out. Would you agree?
2. I get to affect my babies positively without interference.

In the absence of the other parent, I know that I have been able to instill my values in my boys. Values that stem from my faith. Had I been in the environment I was, I’m not sure they would have fully picked up just my values. In an effort to not bash their dad, I am just glad they have learned behaviors and values from me. Do you feel the same?
3. I get to figure out what I really want in a mate.

There is nothing like having a few frogs to show you what you really want. Dating allows you time to see what is out there and when what is out there disappoints you, you realize that you have to get real and change what you’re doing. Because I know I want a good man, a godly man, etc. I need to date differently. Every guy that wants my number, is not a potential mate. Only men who, for lack of a better cliché, “Are on my level” need apply. Time alone has given that to me. I have gained the strength I need to demand excellence, respect, and love. Until you are comfortable being alone with you, how can you truly know what you want?
4. I get to work on my dreams, goals, and passions.

My passions drive me all day. I wake up early thinking about blog topics. I have topic ideas everywhere (no lie). I’m always thinking about Spanish. My single parents and what I want to do with women to inspire, enrich, and connect all these are on my mind. This is the season for me to work these dreams because working on my heart’s desires takes a good bit of my free time and energy. When my Boaz (a Biblical figure and redeemer/God-given husband of Ruth) comes, I’ll be ready because what is in me has been able to come out i.e., my purpose, passion, and mission. This means that I will be happy and ready to receive my good man because I’ve been able to chase my dreams with no regrets. Having him will just add to the jubilation. Right? Right.
5. I get to help others.

Being single affords me the opportunity to make my own schedule, go where I want to go, and help others in need. Helping others includes helping at charities, working on my business to support single moms, helping friends, etc. I get to give back and be proud of  it without feeling guilty. Remember, single hood is for a season and if you use it wisely, it can be a fruitful, blessed time of life.

Do any of these ring a bell with you? Are you now seeing alone time as a plus? I hope so. Television, the media, friends, and family will try to tell you that you need someone on your arm ALL THE TIME. But the truth is what you don’t need is another person who hasn’t figured themselves out. You need time to prepare to be the person you know you are – strong, confident, and emotionally ready to love and live again.

Life is hard. Relationships are hard. But, these things do not have to be. Take time out and get to know YOU. You’ll be glad you did.

Do It Anyway!